January 29, 2010
#580 Finding that chopped off fingernail that sailed across the room before anyone else does
Stepping on s
omeone else’s sharp, jabby toenail shard is a painful and disgusting moment. Basically, it has the same creep-out factor as poking a dead bee laying in your windowsill or accidentally crushing a hollow, dusty skull on your tour through the catacombs.
Now, on the other hand, when your toenail suddenly blasts off into outer living room and you manage to find that nearly invisible sucker hiding in the shaggy carpet, well that’s a pretty great feeling.
Good work, Sherlock Toenail.
You cracked the case.
AWESOME!
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January 28, 2010
#581 Looking at all the hair on the floor after you just got a haircut
It’s just so satisfying to look down at the clumps of hair shards covering the floor of the salon and think to yourself “That just came off of me!” Of course, the runner up to this feeling is when you notice a big hair haystack clinging for dear life onto your slippery nylon apron and then you just flick your fingers underneath it so it slides slowly down to its doom.
AWESOME!
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January 27, 2010
#582 When the guy at the deli counter gives you a free taste
Walk into a grocery store and you’re surrounded by freshly misted lettuce, bubbling lobster tanks, and hot croissants rolling out of the oven. With your pupils dilated and mouth watering, there’s nothing finer than rolling your crookedy-wheel cart by the deli counter and making some subtle eye contact with the deli man.
Yeah, you know it and they know it: when you’re surrounded by fresh food in all directions you suddenly start jonesing for a fix. So you press your hands on the curved glass and gaze longingly at the giant hunks of pink and salty goodness shining at you from under the bright lights.
Then you know what you gotta do: make your order, reach your hands out, and get ready for those thinly shaved slices of salami to touch your tongue and send you on a trip far, far away.
AWESOME!
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January 26, 2010
#583 Drawing on steamy mirrors with your fingers
Peel back that mildewy curtain and let’s get down to business.
Freshly soaped and squeaky clean your wet n’ steamy self towels dry and rolls on some Stink-B-Gone deodorant. But just before you pop from the hot steamroom into the goosebumpy hallway, it’s time to stop for a moment and be a finger-painting Picasso.
Yes, for a minute let the blurry morning haze and the upcoming stresses of school or work melt down and fade away as you start streaking your fingers up and down the steamy glass.
Crowds slowly gather at this stormy seashore and look over your shoulder as you calmly and quickly paint pretty pictures on your cliffside easel. Soon clouds part and the sun glimmers off the distant ocean waves as strangers stop walking their dogs, kids peek over from the ball diamond, and old folks hold hands and smile as you whip up masterpiece after masterpiece. Images pop up as they ooh and ahh — it’s a happy face, a heart, a house with smoke coming out the chimney, or a love letter waiting for the next person to have a shower.
Sure, in a few minutes the mirror fades to clear and your paintings drift away. But for an instant you’re a naked artist, brushing up against greatness, fame, and a cluttery bathroom counter.
AWESOME!
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January 25, 2010
#584 That one email account you use for all your spam
Sorry, you need my email address?
Sure, no problem open house real estate agent, clothing store mailing list, or random membership-required website.
Hit me up at idontcheckthisaccount @sorryaboutthat.com
AWESOME!
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January 22, 2010
#585 Figuring out the plot twist just before they reveal it
Because at that moment you go from a greasy slack-jawed popcorn-kernel-n-sweatpants covered couch potato to a fast-talking screenwriter with sharp eyes, a whizzing mind, and a backup second career.
AWESOME!
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January 21, 2010
#586 That one old guy in the grocery store who knows exactly where everything is
Diced tomatoes?
Sure, Aisle 6, three quarters of the way back, two shelves below the kidney beans.
They’re on sale this week.
AWESOME!
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January 20, 2010
#587 Taking your ponytail out
Okay, you know how good it feels when you peel your socks off at the end of the day? You know how your crinkly leg hairs all get a chance to relax, stretch out, and breathe a sigh of relief?
Well, taking out your ponytail is like that times a million.
All your hair unbends and finally points the other direction. Shivers shake down your spine as you bend your neck and shake your hair out. Yes, all the pressure just melts away and it feels like an instant scalp massage. Plus, if you tied your shaggy mane up when it was wet then it’s even better because somehow everything was twisted even tighter up in there.
Taking your ponytail out is the getting comfy equivalent of putting on your PJs, taking your bra off at the end of the day, or twisting around all your sheets and blankets in the middle of the night till you get ‘em jusssssssssst right.
AWESOME!
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January 19, 2010
#588 Tossing garbage in the trash can from far away
If your bad back, busted ankle, or bum knee is keeping you off the courts, then get ready to lean back in your desk chair and reminisce about the game you loved…
Just crumple that hot inky sheet yanked from the photocopier’s paper-jammed bowels, swivel your desk chair sideways, and shoot a majestic three-pointer into the metal garbage bin. And don’t worry — if you’re inside the line, just go with a hook shot, buzzer beater, or big swooping alley-oop over to the glass fire extinguisher case hanging on the wall.
Two points!
Now, before you start firing, it’s important to really make sure you’ve got a size and weight that works. Crumpled printer paper and waxy, balled-up hamburger wraps are great. Flimsy granola bar wrappers and chewed up gum generally is not. If you try tossing those things you could find yourself missing the hoop and then casually glancing around to see who saw before sheepishly sharp-elbowing you way to the basket so you can scoop your own dirty rebound.
No, the key to pulling it off is simple: Grab a ball that flies, aim your hands to the sky, and fire that garbage into the trash can nearby.
AWESOME!
January 18, 2010
#589 Making the first footprint in fresh snow
Peek outside on a snowy afternoon and the world moves in slow motion. Jumbo flakes float to the ground and coat your cracked sidewalks and patchy lawns in a thin blanket of bright white. Winds whisper through the willows as you strap your boots on and bundle up to head outside.
Making those first fresh footprints in the snow is a great feeling. You’re an explorer blazing a new trail, a skier hitting the slopes early, or just a suburban hiker carving a new path home.
AWESOME!
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